Best Martial Arts Tournament Trophy!


(May ‘98/#39)

Every so often I hear a complaint about students being disrespectful. They complain about decisions, they threaten the judges, they get in fights in the changing room, and so on.

I have to chuckle about this because, you see, we at the Al Case Memorial Tournament do not have that problem.

Before I tell you why we don’t have that problem, however, let me tell you a little bit about the Al Case Memorial Tournament.

The Tournament was founded by myself before I died in the event that I might die. There are divisions for forms and freestyle. These divisions are subdivided into country, system, style, school, and, if necessary, person. We, at the ACMT, believe in leaving no one out.

As a matter of fact last year we had a query concerning martial arts for guide dogs of blind people. Immediately we set up the division, and when we had but one entry we awarded him first, second and third place (actually, we awarded his dog).

We, at the ACMT are, if nothing, accommodating.

There are, as you might imagine, many divisions for reality based events.

In fact, if any contestant claims that his art is the best we simply put him in his own division, and disallow anybody else from entering that division. It makes officiating so easy.

And, in the event that contestants do insist upon entering divisions which are already isolated for ‘The Best Art,’ we have a special qualifying test. The contestant must show that he has ground work abilities against John Deere. Think about it.

And this brings us to the ultra-extreme-reality based events.

We are the only tournament in the world to have divisions for samurai swords, machetes and guns. Contestants are bused to unknown locations and allowed to fight to their art’s content.

Interestingly, we have saved a lot of money on trophies, as there never seem to be any finalists.

We have even saved money by not bothering having buses for picking up the contestants after the match.

And we don’t bother with no sissy doctors, either.

(But we do have a very lucrative arrangement with Billy Bob’s Slabatorium.)

This brings us to the heart of the Al Case Memorial Tournament.

If you win a big major division, such as International Karate Forms or All English Speaking Freestyle, you win a plywood plaque suitable for leaning against a wall.

If you win any of the minor divisions, such as Swahili Speaking Nunchuckers, or Igloo Based Tae Twon Do, then you win a six inch, copper plated trophy.

But, if you don’t win anything, but are polite, you get a six foot gold plated trophy.

That’s right. The fellow who is the most polite wins the biggest trophy. The judge who decides who is the most polite can walk the arena floors without fear of being mugged because…well, you figure it out.

And he can even wear a shirt saying ‘offical’ without encountering cat calls or boos.

In fact, the interesting thing about all this is that schools across the country are now spending inordinate amounts of time on classes dealing with just how to be polite.

People are actually seen smiling when they come out of dojo. They can be seen hugging their wives and patting their children on the head. One, very enterprising fellow in a small town in Nebraska (name withheld out of politeness) was seen (choke) voting.

In areas where martial arts schools increase their enrollment by offering community classes in politeness crime statistics are on a drastic wane.

And, the real root of it all is…if somebody is not polite, everybody else is.

Think about it.

And if you wish to enter the ACMT make sure you send $10 to me. Cash only.

I will politely thank you.

(Any entry fees will be sent to an established charity.)

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