A Better Ultimate Fighting Championship


(September ‘96/#23)

I have been a fan of the Ultimate Fighting Championships from day one. I have been involved in endless discussions concerning the place of grappling in the martial arts. I have read Clay MacBride’s column in your favorite magazine with much interest. I have watched as the Gracies established their position in the martial arts world. I have rooted for Sevrenson, Shamrock or whoever or whatever (art) struck my fancy.

And I have always booed Tank Abbot.

It is with sadness that I noted the Gracies departure from controlling interest in the UFC.

The truth is the Gracies established the UFC with a specific philosophy in mind. That philosophy has been put aside. Thus, I predict that the UFC will become prone to surveys and public opinion polls and evolve into some generic sitcom within a short time.

Actually, it is already happening.

Different rules, created to excite the audience, alter the essence of the UFC.

The funny thing is…the UFC worked better than any other martial arts program. So the new producers are leaving a working thesis in order to titillate a moron crowd.


That, incidentally, is why I watch almost no TV.

Eventually some one will rediscover a working philosophy such as the Gracies, and will market it to the joy of true martial artists everywhere.

I, for instance, have a great idea.

To replace the UFC I have come up with the Ultimate Ultimate Fighting Championships. I call it the Ultramaxispectamatum Fighting Championships. The rules go like this:

Four participants are chosen from an established pool of fighters. They are chosen by public vote.

The four participants are then dropped into a desolate region. The region can be desert, mountain, snow, ocean, or whatever, but the final drawing for the region is made at the last minute so that none of the participants can properly prepare.

When the four fighters are dropped they are directed to stand in small circles one hundred yards from each other (the corners of a square).

They are nekkid.

When the gong sounds they may fight.

Or they can run.

But the fight is not over till three of the fighters are dead or unconscious.

And no fighter will be picked up until three have been rendered inoperable, unfunctionable, brain damaged, or all three.

In other words, there can be only one.

And it can get cold if you are running from or after somebody with no clothes on for any length of time.

Any weapons must be of the natural variety; tree limbs, rocks, etc.

Any technique can be used, including eye gouging, biting, or wedgies with tree branches.

Combatants may form alliances to gang up on each other. And they can betray any alliance at any time.

Can you see it? Nekkid savages fighting to the death! Man! Is that a philosophy or what?

The Ultramaxispectamatum Contest are much better idea than the Ultimate Fighting Championship, and they certainly have my vote!

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